Jackass

[pharaoh]

jackass


*JACKASS*
For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you
just need to take it out on someone:
Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on
someone you *don't* know.

Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a
phone call I had to make.
I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying,
"Hello?" I politely said,
"This is Patrick Hannifin and could I please speak to Robin
Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that
anyone could be that rude.
I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her.
She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly.
After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still
lying there on my desk.
I decided to call it again. When the same person once more
answered, I yelled, "You're a jackass!" and hung up.
Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass",
and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I
was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up.
He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!"
It would always cheer me up.
Later in the year the Phone Company introduced caller ID.
This was a real disappointment for me; I would have to stop
calling the jackass.
Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard
his voice say, "Hello." I made up a name.
"Hi. This is the sales office of the Telephone Company and I'm
just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?"
He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called
him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"
The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show
you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something
about it. Just dial 823-4863.
The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the
parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave.
Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly
back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of
room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden
this black Camaro come flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and
pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling; "You can't just
do that, Buddy. I was here first!"
The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He
walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself,
this guy's a jackass, there sure a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed
he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the
number. Then I hunted for another place to park.
A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had
just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're a
jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed
dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on
my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.

After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello."
I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"
"Yes, it is.""Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's
parked right out front."
I said, "What's your name?" "My name is Don Hansen." "When's a
good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings." "Listen Don, can I tell you
something?" "Yes." "Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down
After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a while
things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two
jackasses to call. Then, after several months of calling the jackasses and
hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the
problem some serious thought and came up with a solution:
First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. A man answered nicely saying,
"Hello."
I yelled "You're a jackass!" but I didn't hang up.
The jackass said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No."
He said, "What's you name, pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen."
He said, "Where do you live?"
"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out
front."
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up. Then I called
Jackass
#2.
He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, Jackass!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your butt."
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jackass!"
And I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police.
I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my
gay lover as soon as he got home.
Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W. 34th
Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to
watch the whole thing. Glorious watching two Jackasses kicking the crap out
of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter was one of
the
greatest experiences of my life!

DeeLite
--
Some will. Some won't. So what! Someone somewhere will.

[Demon-Hunter]